Not All Who Wander Are Lost

When I was little, summer was... summer was everything. There was this serenity that I felt when the weather shifted. I remember smelling the steaming asphalt on the playground, and watching as the sky grew more and more cerulean as the days went on. And then, finally, the school year would end and I would take off across the fields, through the hills, towards the redwood grove that's sheltered me since I was a child. If the creek was still running, I would let my feet dangle in the water, the warmth seeping into my skin as I rested, eyes closed. It was bliss.

As I got older, I would spend those first few weeks swimming in the local watering holes and drying on sun-drenched rocks. I would pick wildflowers with my friends, I would dance and sing and play all day long. I would run until I was breathless, trying so hard to keep pace with the falcons overhead. When night fell, I would lay outside and watch the stars.

High school changed things. Summer wasn't about the warmth and beauty of the day anymore--suddenly, it became about the freedom of the night. It became about getting dressed with the girls just to spend the evening driving around in cars and blasting music. It became about parties and crushes and that feeling you get when you finally have a moment alone with the guy you noticed on the first day of school--the one you thought you'd never talk to. That moment where it's just the two of you sitting on the hood of someone else's car, and suddenly you're watching the stars together, and it feels so perfect.

Sometimes all of my best friends would come together and we'd drive to the beach at midnight and the guys would run through the sand and build bonfires while the girls would huddle together and complain about the cold. I remember those nights too well... walking along the shoreline, the tide farther up than I'd ever seen it before. Watching the moonlight dancing on the ripples and waves. I remember trying to look out across the sea, and pretending that someone in Japan was doing the same thing, thinking about someone like me. But the horizon line was just a blur of inky blackness, broken up by the stars in the sky and the diamond reflections in the water. It may have been some glimpse at the only heaven I'll ever know... but I was still too young to see that. All I saw was something overwhelmingly beautiful for an instant, and then my name was called and I was pulled back towards reality.

This summer, things changed. It doesn't matter anymore, but now that light has faded. Summer always came to an end before, but this feels... different. I find myself questioning everything I face now. What is the purpose of living? Are we put on this planet for a reason? Is there any true way to keep ourselves from regretting the mistakes of our past?

I sometimes wonder if I'll ever know the answers to anything anymore. I don't want to run through fields or swim in the ocean or dance ever again. I don't want to see my friends. I don't want to go to school or fulfill the major I chose for myself when I was 8 years old.

I give up. I give up on life. I need to... I feel like I need to stop moving. It's like the whole world is spinning faster than I can even breathe, and all I want is to bury my head in the sand and pray that stops someday. I don't know anything... what were the last 18 years about? Why did I even experience them if nothing I ever learned can help me now? I don't understand. I have so many beautiful memories, but they're just... memories. They're beautiful, for what they are... but they can't carry me anymore. They are no longer my present. My present is now this.

It's stiflingly hot outside; the perfect day to go to the beach and dive into the waves, my throat scratchy from the salt, my eyes tired from the relentless sun. It's the perfect day to feel that freedom, and the peace of drying on the sand with a bottle of green tea and my favorite kettle chips, listening to my friends talk and laugh, the seagulls crying in the distance.

But I don't want that. I don't want any of it anymore. All I can do now is sit in silence in my backyard, my dogs resting on either side of me. I feel the wind in my hair, and see the birds fly by me, towards some destination I'll never know. When night falls, I watch the stars... and for the first time I realize their distance.

Okay, I'm going to skim over my emotions on the topic of my father for right now, because I don't feel like addressing them. Instead, this is more of an update on my future. Death causes A LOT of introspection and self-reflection; I've been analyzing myself and my life for the past two weeks almost non-stop, and I want to write down what I've come up with. If nothing else, it will be good for me to look back at this if or when I forget myself again.

First off, I've decided to kick men for the time being. I'm in no way feeling romantic at the moment, and I'm starting to realize that I've developed this horrible pattern of finding guys attractive, accidentally making them fall for me without ever engaging in an actual relationship of any kind (physical or emotional), and then losing interest because they get so weird and obsessive very prematurely. And I hate girls like that. I don't want to be that girl. I don't MEAN to be that girl, in all fairness... it just keeps happening that way, and it's finally made me see that I probably won't find any meaningful, lasting relationships here at this time in my life. The frustrating thing about being so young is that I would like to meet "the one", but I know that if I meet him right now we'll probably end up breaking up because I have so many effing goals I want to accomplish before I settle down. Unless he has the same goals, then it could work.

In any case, men are going to the wayside for now. In place of them comes my studies. I've decided that the best way to deal with my... fragile emotional state, if you will, is to just focus on my goals: finishing my book, consuming mass amounts of information about my interests, accumulating a larger art portfolio, and getting into Oxford. As long as I keep busy, I think I'll be okay. And I have the most supportive family in the world. And my book is actually going really well, which I never, ever thought I would say. I just want to focus on myself for once. It's been years since my life has actually been entirely about me. Now that it is (despite the fact that I don't want it to be), I think I should let myself indulge in improving myself and making sure I finally, finally begin to feel happy with who I am and where my road is headed.

Anyway, these are just some small goals, nothing overly daunting. But I'm planning on changing my life around this year quite a bit, and I'm hoping that it goes well. I have no idea. Life without my dad is just going to be... too different to even consider. Everything is so different for all of us. Anyway, I need to start thinking about who I'm going to be in ten years... where I'm going to end up, what I want to have accomplished by then. Even if I throw the whole plan away 6 months from now, I just want to get one started so I have something to follow when I start to feel confused about everything. In order to keep going right now, I can't just be left to my own devices. I've never been a particularly ordered person, but I guess there's a first time for everything, right?

I figured I should just write this post, because the subject is unavoidable.

My father passed away on thursday, June 18th, at around 10 p.m. We were all there with him, and it was an extremely peaceful and easy death. The funeral was yesterday--Father's Day, fittingly enough-- and he is now safely in the ground in a beautiful cemetery only ten minutes from home.

That being said, I'm going to attempt to move forward in my life by not becoming stagnant in my mourning phase. Life didn't stop when he died, like I hoped it would. It kept going, and now I have to as well. I won't say much more on the subject right now, because I still am a little dazed, but I know that he is with me and that his was the most rich and interesting life I'll ever be fortunate enough to be a part of. I do miss him very much. I miss everything. But I suppose I will say more on that later.

Today is my brother's 27th birthday, and mine is on sunday. Also, a belated happy birthday to Mary, who I believe had her golden birthday this year. 20 on the 20th, right? That's very special :) I'm happy to finally almost be 18, but it's also bittersweet. This past week I've had to be more of an adult than ever before, so to finally legally become one in 6 days seems a little... anticlimactic. I've already had to bury a parent and console hundreds of people who loved him as much as I did (though in a different way). Turning 18 seems like nothing in comparison.

Anyway, I figured this would be an impossible topic to ignore, so I just decided to tackle it the clinical way. I have a million emotions surrounding the event, but I can't really process any of them right now. Life will be very different. I have no idea what to expect. I have no idea how to prepare. And I don't want to feel sadness anymore... I wish I had the strength to simply feel joyous about a life well lived.

In any case, I love you, dad. I wish I could've grown old with you.

Life is spinning out of control, and I've gone through so many different, strange trials in the past few months. I'm just trying to find a way to ground myself, center my mind and heart in any way... but it seems to be to no avail. I realized something the other morning, something I should have probably seen a long time ago-- I am unhappy. I am truly, deeply depressed, which is something I never thought I would be able to say about myself. My heart is broken in so many different ways, my spirit strangled and held captive by my fear.

When I realized this, I was standing on a little beach next the Golden Gate bridge, on the city side, watching a cargo ship wade through the fog out in the ocean. The freezing water of the bay was lapping at my feet and ankles, but I couldn't feel anything. I was literally numb, on every level. And then it just... clicked. My life doesn't hold the same meaning it once did. It doesn't matter, really, this new revelation of mine. It just means that I now have a way to justify my constant search for solitude to myself.

I often wonder why I don't just leave. I mean, of course I am staying here to take care of my father. Of course I couldn't leave. But maybe someday I can... perhaps someday I'll just start over, try again in another city or another country or another continent. I don't know who I am, I only know that I am inevitably going to be left to my own devices soon. When my father does die, when my world as I have ever known it does cease to exist, I will be faced with the reality that I have never really been able to explore the woman I am to become. Who is she? What does she want out of life? Is she as empty as this gawky, girlish version of her is now? I want to know that woman. I want things to change. If they never do, what will the point of all this be? I have been a caretaker since I was twelve years old--I've worried about someone else over anything else in my life since before I really understood what life was; or, at least, before I could have ever found meaning in it.

It doesn't matter. Nothing matters. What is reality anymore? Reality, for me, is a series of painful emotions and long, fitful nights of insomnia. Reality is watching someone die so... slowly... in front of my eyes; someone who I love more than life itself. But this is the same tune I've sung for years. This is the same sadness, the same issue. It's the one that alienates me from my friends, who have no idea what I'm dealing with. It's the one that distracts me at school, makes me pathetically exhausted every morning when I show up, bleary-eyed, to classes that my mind just wanders in anyway. It's all useless. It's futile to try anymore. There is no logic or reason to attempting normalcy. So I am going back within myself, away from the bright, harsh lights of the world around me. My house is my haven, the only place where I will be understood and comforted, and, ironically, the only place where I will find the most hurt.

It's depressing when you realize your life is just one big piece of irony.

SO I did the thing that I wasn't supposed to do and it was fine, totally anticlimactic. On another note...

I'm kind of hating my life right now, I'm going to be honest. My heart is so torn. I really think I'm losing it for the one person I can't be with... it hurts to think about how it's never going to happen between us. When he's next to me, I can't think straight. When he touches me--those rare, beautiful times when he touches me--I feel my whole body go still and it's like the single most exhilarating moment of my life. I want to be in his arms, more than anything. I love his smile, but there are these moments when he's performing on stage and his face is serious, and he'll look up and I swear that he's looking at me for an instant... and in those moments his dark eyes find mine and he just stares so intensely at me, within me. I lose my mind when he looks at me like that. All I can think is that I want to see those eyes looking at me every day for the rest of my life. I want to wake up to those eyes.

I hate love. I hate having these emotions running rampant through my heart... it's so fucking unfair. Why does she have to like him too? If she didn't, I might have a chance with him; I could at least put it all on the table and tell him how I feel... tell him how we're perfect together and how amazing our life would be if we just admitted this to ourselves. I could tell him how my parents love him like a son and how my brothers think he's the only boy in the world who could ever be good enough for me. I could tell him how his parents are like family to me as well, and how absolutely blissfully happy they would be if we tried this and succeeded.

I could tell him how my heart speeds up when we're side by side... how my eyes find him in a crowd instantly, how proud I am of all the things he's accomplishing and I how I don't want to get in the way of that. I could tell him how his smile lights up my entire soul and how inexplicably amazing I feel when he hugs me and his fingers linger a little too long on my waist. When he kissed me on the head the other day, I thought my heart would break and splutter and fade inside my chest. He let me go and I thought I was going to fall over. It's amazing how cold you feel after the one person you want to hug you finally lets you go.

Why is this happening to me? I thought I was over him... I thought it was different now, knowing that we can never be together. But then I sat next to him that night and his hand brushed my leg and he smiled at me softly and secretively and my breathe hitched and heart fluttered and my stomach churned and all those stupid fucking feelings that I've buried deep inside me flared once again. I don't want to feel like this. It hurts too much to feel like this. I just want to be loved, is that too much to ask? Why do I have to give my heart to the people who will never treat it the way it deserves to be treated? I'm such an idiot. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

There's a chance that I'm about to make a very stupid decision... or a very interesting one. The problem is that no is here to tell me if what I'm about to do is right or wrong. This is up to me, a choice to either keep going on as I've been going or to possibly get some answers to the questions that have been plaguing me.

I'm not going to say what it is that I'm about to do, but I've been getting this feeling all afternoon that I have to do it. I'm not a rash person... but maybe that's my problem. So tonight it's about me; it's not about my age or my responsibilities, my family or my relationships... this is about me. Let's see what comes of it, shall we?

I guess I just want to be wanted. And I hate that I feel that way, but I do. The boy I want doesn't want me--or, if he does, he isn't doing anything about it--and the boy who wants me I don't want. But he wants me SO badly... it's confusing. I love feeling like I'm important or something, which just seems strange to me because I didn't think I cared about that kind of stuff. But now that it's happening... I guess I'm realizing that I do. Am I just an attention seeker? I didn't think I was. Maybe everyone just needs some TLC every now and again.

For the past few days we've been stuck in a heat wave. I heard it reached ninety degrees on sunday... and, let me tell you, premature heat like that does things to people.Today is the first normal spring day we've had in almost a week, and the cooler air is helping me to clear my head. I don't know why it is, but when it gets hot like that everyone starts getting... a little crazy. Clothes get smaller and sweat starts dripping and everyone just wants to find some sort of relief; the only problem is, it's not the season for it yet, and when days like this roll in we all get shocked back into reality.

I'm so confused about my life right now, I can't even tell you. I somehow lost grip on everything these past few weeks... and then when this heat hit at the end of my spring break, I sunbathed and I drank cool drinks and ate strawberries and had beach trips and relaxed with friends and family and, suddenly, life seemed so easy and school and responsibilities were on the back-burner. Monday came by, as hot as ever, and I just stayed home and hid away in the cool recesses of my house. Tuesday was more of the same; sticky heat and sun dresses, warm nights outside and oversized drinks. And yesterday... yesterday was when it got weird.

When I tell you that I'm confused about everything, I mean EVERYTHING. I'm confused about school and my future, I'm confused about my living situation, I'm confused about my family, and I'm really confused about my friends, and, of course, I'm confused about love. I don't know if anyone remembers the boy I've been seeing for a while--the slightly dangerous, crazy adventurer boy who is leaving very soon to travel around the world forever. Well, I've been pulling away from him lately and I don't know why. It was so fun at first, but then... things started getting a little too intense. He started looking at me with these eyes that held way too much emotion in them and he started to say sweet things to me more often than I ever expected any boy would. Instead of talking about where in the world he wanted to go adventure, he started to talk about where in the world he would like to adventure with ME. I don't know... it just put me off for a second because I knew he was leaving and I suddenly realized that it was the fact that he was leaving that placated me enough to be with him. I'm not ready to be with him 100%, in some long, drawn out relationship that would be so fun and also so unhelpful to anything in my life right now.

I thought I was dealing with the problem alright, if not slowly, but then yesterday (and I am convinced that it was because of that stifling heat) he pulled me aside when we were all hanging out and asked me what I wanted from him. "What do you want from me?" he asked... as if there were a black and white answer for that. And the problem was that I had NO IDEA what that answer was. What do I want from him? I asked him what he meant and he told me that he wanted to be with me, I mean REALLY be with me. When I mentioned that it was impossible to be together because he was leaving so soon, he said, "Listen, what I'm trying to say is that I would stay here for you, for as long as you want me."

As in, he would put off the greatest adventure of his life--the only thing he talks or thinks about--to be with me. He would stay here, in a town that he hates more than anything with a family he hates more than anything, to stay with me, "if that would make you happy."

I don't know what to do about it. It's such awful timing because I was literally just thinking how I was actually happy he was going to go, because being with him makes me so happy but I also am just WAY too confused right now to be able to give myself to anyone fully. I don't know. He confuses me so much. And I feel like such an awful person because when he was saying all of those sweet, kind things to me I could only think about the one person I wish would say those things to me and how he never will (a family friend of mine who completely stole my heart but who I can never be with because the girl who is like my littler sister is crazy for him too).

I just feel so confused, in every way, and I feel like a bad person and I feel like I'm crazy for ever having gotten this involved with someone when I'm so unstable myself. AND I don't understand what I could have possibly done to make him so crazy for me. What did I do? He's literally addicted to me, he's said it himself. I'm what he thinks about now, I'm what he dreams about, I'm who he wants to spend all his time with. It's my feelings that he considers when he makes decisions. I don't know what I did to him, because I can honestly say that I didn't mean to... but now I'm so uncertain of myself and this whole situation. The heat has subsided today and the fog has cleared in my mind and now I'm just... a mess.

The last post I made was to discuss the topic of change in my life... now, weeks later, I can tell you what that change has meant.

Life has been... difficult. I've lost the will to do anything, so I've become almost dependent on this second wind I keep stored away; it leads me into situations that test me, rekindle my spirit for an instant, keep me present. The strangest things have been happening to me, the strangest emotions and the strangest situations have become very present in my day to day life. I know this all sounds very vague, and I apologize for my lack of ability to articulate the feelings I'm subjecting myself to. But... I don't know. Life is different now. It's really odd, because I feel as though I am more myself than I have been in years, but this self is so unused to being brought forward that she doesn't know what do now that she's here.

For the past few years, I have been fueling my life on the power of my dreams and ambitions. I have gotten through heartbreaks of varying degrees, extreme amounts of stress and sadness, my first year in college, losing friends, making friends... all of it has been accomplished by my constant drive to look towards the future. I would tell myself, "None of this matters, because in four years you are going to be out of this small town and living in London, and you can start over."

But that wasn't real. My will to get an education, my will to get a good job, my will to write books and paint pictures, my will to move to another country and fall in love, my will to help people and change the world-- none of that was reality. I have ALWAYS lived in a fantasy world. Always. I have never before in my life seized reality by the throat and known that I was strong enough to conquer it. Instead, I have fled this world and lived in my dreams... and I thought that I had found the answer by doing that. I thought I had reached some great level of understanding by not letting the real world affect me. But all I was doing was hiding... and it had finally caught up with me to the extent where I was literally lying to myself day in and day out about how I really felt. I make up stories in my head about how happy I am, and I don't considering it lying because it's just a story-- just fiction. But that's not right, is it? We shouldn't be living fictitious lives. We should be strong enough to be ourselves.

For the past few weeks, I have tried very hard to be myself. I have spent hours contemplating how to shed this second skin that I created for protection... I have spent days trying to re-learn who I am, trying to get to know myself. The nice thing is that I am still pretty much the same person... the only difference is really how I handle situations. The old me used to brush things under the rug or problem solve in a very logical and organized way. The real me is far more emotional... far easier to derail and break. So that's been a challenge. But it's the strangest and most interesting sensation: the way I see the world is so much different now. I feel as though I have taken off sight-altering goggles or something. Everything is so vibrant and so bright and fresh and new. The other night I was walking, around 1 in the morning, down a street near my house and I looked up at the sky and literally started to cry because it was so beautiful. And then I laughed at myself for being so ridiculous, but still... even now, just thinking about that perfectly clear view and the beautiful, pregnant moon... it makes my heart move because I feel so much more connected to it. It's been a shell-shock, kind of, learning to see things through my own, unfiltered eyes. It's been very difficult and very beautiful. Situations are a thousand times harder to deal with, but they are also a thousand times more rewarding. I just feel like I am living my life in extremes now, rather than just puttering along in some medium spectrum where everything is lukewarm and melancholy. Now things are vivacious and exuberant and loud... and I don't know how to handle it, exactly.

Anyway, this was just supposed to be a brief update on how this change is going for me. Everything is so very different now... I'm sure I will have much more to say when I am more settled. Life is still very hard and tiring, and my father is much, much more sick now than he has ever been before. But he and I have connected on a different level lately. I think he can recognize this change in me--he's very perceptive and he and I are very similar--and it's helped me to get closer to him, even when his mind is so sick. I hope everyone is doing well and enjoying the springtime :)

Everything has changed tonight. This isn't about a game anymore... a chase, a tease, something fun. This is real and this is important.

Of course I went out with the mysterious, unattainable boy on thursday night, and we had such an amazing time. And it was fun, and I did so many new things. And then he asked me out again tonight and I assumed it would be more of the same... being free, having fun, doing things that I would never normally do. And it was, at first. But then it changed.

We came back from the hot tub and sat down in his room. He taught me more things on the piano as my hair curled from the wetness I had subjected it to, and I felt free again. We were closer than we had been before, more connected... but still with that distance he always places around himself. We started talking about being calm and serene-- about how I can be and he has an impossible time trying to be. I told him that I can always be calm, because it was what I knew to be true. He put his hand on my leg as I spoke-- just rested it lightly --and started to smile, asking, "Are you feeling tense right now?" He put my fingers where his had been, on the muscle of my calf, and I realized that I was shaking, which was so strange, because I felt completely serene, despite the desperately frustrating topic I was discussing. And I realized, in that instant, that I don't know myself even half as well as I thought I did.

God, it freaked me out for a moment. Here was this boy that I barely know, telling me something about myself that I had failed to notice for the past 17 years; telling me something about myself that EVERYONE had failed to notice: that I am completely present underneath the surface. I am humming with life beneath this reserve or facade that I hadn't even realized I put on. My body is literally lying to itself, to me... to my heart and mind and soul. I am suppressing so many things. And then it comes to this boy, and why he can see me so clearly. I trust him and I don't even know him. He listens to me and says things that make so much sense, it hurts sometimes. He's so messed up too, in the complete opposite way from me... and I know we were meant to meet each other. It just wasn't the way I thought it was supposed to be. This boy and I are supposed to be connected, but we're not supposed to sustain some long relationship that drags itself out to its own demise. We're just supposed to be in each other's lives right now, until he leaves forever and I never see him again. I have no idea why fate put us together, but I have things to learn from him. Everything has changed, because I've never known how to feel the things I feel for him without letting myself become dependent on them. And now I have to. I have to because... this isn't just about liking someone or being infatuated, it's about meeting someone who is supposed to teach you an important life lesson. And I just know he's supposed to.

I don't know why these things happen. I think maybe I've been opening myself up more to the universe lately... I'm just opening up and letting whatever wants to come in, come in. And now here he is, this strange and unlikely boy who is the complete yin to my yang... my polar opposite and my exact equal. It's such a weird balance. I have no idea how to handle it, but he makes me want to know this part of myself that I am suppressing. What is it? Who is she, this girl I'm keeping locked away? I have absolutely NO idea. And that scares me. And I'm also scared to let this boy see her if I don't even know her, do you know what I mean? I trust him, but he doesn't fully trust me yet, and we need to reach that place before we can both let it all out.

Anyway. Something big is happening with me, and I'm obviously having a difficult time articulating. Everything is changing... I just feel that truth. And it's really important, and I have no idea HOW important. But it's REALLY important.

ANOTHER boy from school just asked me out today after class! What is going on?

I seriously think I have uncovered some sort of miracle... I think you need to appear completely attainable. I know that goes against everything we've ever heard or whatever... but I seriously have been nothing but available and open and I'm getting flooded. I think that's the secret. Or maybe everyone has just lost their minds!!

Wow, so it's been a long time since I've posted any updates on my life... and SO many things have happened, and I know that it will all eventually come out, but for right now I have only one topic I feel like discussing: Boys.

Now, I have not been looking for anything, honestly. I did meet a boy that I instantly had a crush on, but he seemed so completely unattainable that I seriously did not even think about it ever happening. And I actually didn't even speak to him for the first like... three weeks, even though we spent two days a week in the same room for like 3 hours, and he knows all of my friends.

But that's not the point. The point is that I suddenly have found myself in kind of a problem. And it also has led me to discover a good piece of advice-- DO NOT LOOK FOR BOYS IF YOU WANT ONE. They seriously will come to you so freaking fast if you are not looking at all. My problem is that I liked this one boy, and he kept brushing me off. Then a boy at school came up to me and started talking to me, so I kind of let myself forget about the other boy I liked because I figured it was never going to work. Then the boy at school turned out to not be my type at all, and I ran into an old friend who I had liked a long time ago. So, of course, being young and stupid, I kind of let myself "remember" my crush on him. Then this boy who I mentioned in the previous paragraph came in one day, and I was immediately caught. And, of course, the old friend who I had liked disappeared because he was really busy and I didn't see him for a long time. But this boy who I was instantly attracted to was so unattainable that I kind of just ignored it, and his friends were really nice so I talked to them instead and, of course, kind of ended up liking one of them. Meanwhile, another boy at school started texting me and asking me to hang out all the time (which I actually never ended up doing, but still, it was distracting). AND the very first boy who I liked and who brushed me off came back into the picture when he finally wanted to hang out and surprised me by being really sweet and everything. Then another friend of mine who I had known because he dated a girl I was kind of friends with asked someone for my number and started texting me and wanting to hang out. And THEN the boy who was unattainable but who I liked immediately decided to talk to me after his class one night, and we all ended up hanging out. But then, of course, the boy who was an old friend that I kind of liked showed back up and turned out to be really good friends with the unattainable boy that I was now sort of friends with... AND I found out that the unattainable boy's friend liked me.

Phew.
And now my problem is that I somehow, unknowingly, feel like I might have led some people on... but seriously, it was the weirdest progression of things and I never intended to trick anyone or play any sort of games. And I never did anything with any of them, so that makes me feel better. We all just formed friendships... but somehow I ended up with SO MANY MORE BOYS that I had ever, ever wanted. I really didn't want any... they just started showing up, and my natural reaction (being a single, teenaged girl) is to like pretty things and let myself become drawn to them. So, last night I hung out with the guy who I know because he dated a girl I used to be sort of friends with, and that was really fun... BUT, the whole time I had in my mind that I was going to hang out with unattainable, beautiful boy tonight. He's taking me to a waterfall on his motorcycle. He is serious trouble, and I know it... and, of course, being SO STUPID and young, I so want to break the rules with him. I promised my parents when I was young that I would never, ever ride on a motorcycle with anyone... then, of course, last night he let me sit on it and I just totally got that little demon in my head that tells me to do all the things I should never, ever do. Ugh I hate being so confused. And the truth is that I really don't want to be with ANY of these boys, because I really don't want to be in a relationship right now.

WHY AM I SO STUPID ABOUT BOYS? I don't get it. I'm a smart girl... but give me a strong, tall guy with a perfect body and sparkling blue eyes, and make him dangerous and new and exciting on top of that... ugh, I'm a freaking puddle. It's so funny, because the type I really like and who I want to marry is the exact opposite of that... I want a sweet, bookish kind of man who wears sweaters and drinks tea and paints or something. Not someone who makes his living by being strong and who has lived on the street and who is MOVING (by the way) to Asia in a few months. I mean, he's moving forever to go traveling over there. So I can't get attached at all. But he just excites me... I don't know. I just miss that rush of feeling excited and scared, and he always makes me feel that. He takes so many risks in life, and he doesn't care at all that things won't necessarily work out all the time. Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh. Haha. Well... I'll let you ponder over this entry for a little while before I drop any other bombs that have become my life on you. Help me!!

So I've been reaching a lot of... conclusions?... realizations?... recently.

First, I want my own place. Of course, that one is out of the question, because I'm staying home and taking care of my dad for as long as he is around to take care of. And I hate that I want to move out, really. The thing is, I don't want to MOVE OUT as much as I want to be ALONE. I just want to be able to have my own space. This feeling was born in me last spring, when I went to NYC with my mom. We were staying in this teeny little hotel above this pub, and the room had brick walls and a window overlooking the street. Anyway, every morning she would get up earlier than I would and go out and find us some breakfast thing or explore the block or whatever, so I would wake up to this little place to myself. And I could lounge around in my underwear and read and talk on the phone and shower and whatever... then I'd get dressed and wander outside and meet up with her. And it just felt like... I don't know, it was so freeing. I've lived with boys my whole life, and I have the smallest room in my house and the least amount of privacy. So. I now know that I want to get my own place.

Second, I think I might want to live in a city. I know I touched on this in my last post, but it's true. And that is SUCH a weird thing for me to realize. But I really want to, and I have no idea why. Cities are just so... vigorous. You meet so many people and do so many things. I just... it's so strange, but that's what I want.

Third, I can no longer delude myself into thinking that I don't want to have anything to do with boys. The truth is, I MISS having a boy in my life. Someone who can talk to you all night long and make it seem like no time has passed at all. Someone who wants to see you all the time and wants to be around you. This is going to sound really weird and vain, but I miss having someone who really WANTS to spend time with me; someone who thinks about me when they don't have to and wishes they could be around me. I miss having someone to hold you, I miss sleeping next to someone at night. I miss male energy. I miss wanting to get dressed up for that person, wanting to look pretty and have silly fun. Ugh... I just miss it.

And I want to specify that I miss IT, not NICK. I really don't miss these things about him, because he just... he's just been bothering me lately, to be honest. I feel like I shouldn't be as nice to him as I am. I bend over backwards for his feelings, and it really isn't my job at all to make sure he doesn't get hurt. He hurt me. He didn't care about me enough to keep me from being crushed. So. That ship has finally drifted out of sight, I think. It happened the other night, at Matt's house. Nick had been drinking and was being really obnoxious. Kristen (the girl he left me for, and who is now happily dating Matt) was there, and he was flirting with her SO much, right in front of me. And that's when I realized that I seriously don't fucking care about protecting him when he so blatantly ignores my feelings. I mean, when he saw that guy kiss me on New Year's, I felt SO BAD. I was literally almost sick with this... guilt that he might have been hurt by seeing that. But there he is, trying to kiss the girl who started all of this right in front of both me and her boyfriend. I'm just sick of it. I need to look out for myself now, which I'm going to do. And I'm going to stop trying to suppress my own heart just to protect him. It's just not fair anymore.

Fourth, I don't really want to be in school anymore. I mean, I'm learning things I suppose, but all I really want to do is write. All day, every day. That would be amazing. And I want to be able to drive, which is also a huge change for me, because I am deathly afraid of cars and driving in general. But I want to be able to do what I want, when I want. And I want to take a road trip to Las Vegas, to go see my aunt and my cousins. I went to see them there during the summer, and I've wanted to go back ever since... but, of course, I can't, because no one else in my family wants to go or has time to go, and I am therefore stuck. Which I hate. I suppose all these realizations are really just adding up to one, aren't they? The want, or need, for independence. I just want to be independent, for once in my life. I hate that I am growing up both physically and mentally, and yet I am still stuck in the exact same place as my adolescent self was. I feel like that can't be conducive to my growth at all. Oh, I don't know. This is all just so... confusing, really. I thought I knew everything there was to know about myself, and here I am finding all these new developments. I like it, I suppose, because it means that I am still changing and progressing as a person, which is promising and reassuring. I'm glad I'm not just stuck in one mode. That would truly be a depressing realization.

I'm sorry if I'm rambling, by the way. It's almost 2 in the morning, and I'm just completely awake with all of these thoughts, so I figured I would write them down. If you've read this far, I am awed and impressed.

I just want to be different. I want things to change. I'm tired of this person I've been for the past few months (and years, if I'm being honest with myself). Why do these things happen to us that make us SO... small? I don't know if that's the right word, but I can't think of anything else that describes it. I just have been reduced to this weird, minimal version of myself (or, of the woman I want to be). Because, that's the truth, I guess... I'm a WOMAN now, not a little girl. I mean, I know I'm only 17 and everything, but I've gone through all those steps to womanhood, and I've seen my fair share of shit to know that I am certainly not an innocent anymore (despite how much I wish I were). And now I need to step up and embrace this new self, not push her behind the shadow of this little girl who is so scared and confused and uncertain of herself.

Also--and I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I am deliriously tired and I suppose this is the only time that I'm ever going to admit this to myself--, I do want to be in love again. Not now, I guess. But sometime soon. I'm tired of going through all these things by myself, with no one to really share it with. And, you know... there is nothing as pleasant as laying in bed on a sunday morning with someone you love, and lazing around and eating breakfast all cozied up, or falling asleep with someone with your fingers interlaced as you talk about life and the future and all the things you can't tell anyone else, and you know that that person really cares and is truly different because they squeeze your fingers as you drift to sleep and watch you breathe steadily and feel honestly happy to be there in that moment.

Man, I just need a change. I need to take a chance. But I can't figure out what to do first.

So (and I know it's now past midnight and is therefore no longer February 14th, but let's just pretend it is), today was my first Valentine's Day in three years that I have not had a boyfriend. It's also the first Valentine's Day in four years that I have not gotten flowers (but who's counting, right?). Haha. It's liberating, actually. I had no romantic obligations, no silly gifts and dinners with overly-charming waiters. And I actually had fun, which was weird.

With the first boyfriend, we did dinner and a movie. With the second boyfriend, we did dinner and a movie-- two years in a row. So, needless to say, I didn't really want to do dinner and a movie. Instead, Nicole and I hopped on a ferry to the city and went shopping and meandered and met random people, and then went to the pillow fight. Which was insane. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, San Francisco has a giant pillow fight in one area of the city on V-Day, and hundreds of people come and beat each other up with pillows and get covered in downy feathers and have a lot of fun. It's the most hectic experience ever, but it's actually really cool. I love it because when the pillows explode en masse like that, the feathers catch the wind and make it look like it's snowing. Ran into a bunch of friends there, and saw my friend Hudson who is back in town for the weekend, so that was nice. Then we caught the ferry back to Larkspur and bought bagels and met up with some of Nicole's friends. We DID wind up going to a movie, but it was alright because the only dinner we ate were bagels and popcorn and muffins... so it doesn't count.

The only depressing part was seeing all those sweet and happy couples walking around together, holding hands. Nick hated holding hands (should have been an omen, I know), so I haven't really held a boyfriend's hand since... I suppose the beginning of sophomore year in high school. Ick. There's something about that simple gesture that means something to me. I don't know what it is. It's just such an unnecessary sweetness. People in love certainly don't have to hold hands... but they do, because they're connected and they want to be a part of the other.

Anywho, that was the only part that got me. I miss running around the city though... I feel like I used to do it so much more often, trying to get a feel for it and see new places and things. Nick also hated going to the city-- a big part of the reason why I don't go so much anymore. I also wanted to go see Michelle today (my old best friend. I don't think of her as an ex best friend, because we never like... ended our friendship. We just drifted), because her dorm is in an old hotel like 30 feet from Market, near Union Square, but by the time she finally returned my call I was already at the pillow fight back at the Embarcadero. That made me a little sad, too. I wish I could see her more than I do. We live 20 minutes away from each other, but neither of us put in the effort anymore and it's sad to realize that.

There is a part of me that hates the idea of living in a city, and there is a part of me that relishes it. I mean, I'm definitely a country girl... but I love that city. I love New York City too, which is odd... because I swear that city is like the polar opposite of everything I considered myself to be. But I like the movement of San Francisco. It's small and it's vibrant and it moves in this weird pace and flow that makes me want to keep progressing. I just feel like I would be really productive there. I don't know, maybe I would hate it. It's just that I always feel like I'm really opening my eyes when I go there. A thousand interesting things will happen to me in one day in the city, when I could seriously walk through three of our small towns on this side of the bridge and not see or do anything extraordinary. It has to do with the amount of people, I know... but it's also... maybe the type of people, as well. And there is such a huge art community in SF, I could be doing so much more if I were living and working in those circles. Anyway. Who knows what the future will bring? With any luck, the city I wind up living in will be London. A girl can dream!

Overall, a good V-Day, for once. I think I'm beginning to better understand the girl I wish to be. It makes me feel happy to know that I can still change, and still surprise myself, even now.

I'm bored, and I couldn't figure out how I wanted to write this entry... so I gave up and did this meme instead :)


100 Truths!

1. last beverage: Arizona iced tea, green tea/pomegranate flavor.
2. last phone call: Nick, I think? We were planning a carpool sesh.
3. last text message: Ryan.
4. last song you listened to: "Soul Meets Body", Death Cab For Cutie.
5. last time you cried: Um. A few days, I think. I was feeling kind of desperate and frantic, I'm okay now.

SIX HAVE YOU EVER:
1. dated someone twice: No, but I've kissed an ex-boyfriend after being broken up with him. Stupid choice.
2. been cheated on?: I think so. He still swears he didn't cheat physically, but he definitely did emotionally... if you count that as cheating, haha. It's literally the worst feeling ever... makes you think you are completely worthless.
3. kissed someone & regretted it?: Actually, I have. It was a really, really bad situation. I was young, it was dumb. I learned from it.
4. lost someone special?: Yep.
5. been depressed?: Yeah, sophomore year of high school... I honestly can barely remember anything about that year, I was so... not there, mentally. I was just lost in some strange hole in my brain.
6. been drunk and threw up: Ew, no. I hate when people throw up. It's like... there's a point where it stops becoming fun, that should be an indication to stop!

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
1. Black
2. Cerulean/Cobalt blue
3. Orange

THIS School Year HAVE YOU:
1. Made new friends: Yeah, a bunch, actually.
2. Fallen out of love: Actually yes. Sometime around November, I was finally out.
3. Laughed until you cried: At least a couple times a week!
4. Met someone who changed you: Um. I don't think so. Not yet, in any case.
5. Found out who your true friends were: Yeah... but that's kind of a never-ending process.
6. Found out someone was talking about you: Yep... not in a bad way, though.
7. Kissed anyone: I have, yes.
8. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: I don't have that many friends on LJ anymore... most people stopped updating. The only one I don't know in real life is Mary! But it doesn't make a difference, because she is a better friend than a lot of people I do know in real life.
9. How many kids do you want to have: Three! Boy, boy, girl.
10. Do you have any pets: Two big dogs, whom I adore :)
11. Do you want to change your name: No way, I love my name. It's the only name that could ever suit me, I think.
12. What did you do for your last birthday: Oh, I never do anything for my birthday. I think marking the passing of time each year is silly. I don't identify myself by my age.
13. What time did you wake up today: 8:30... I only had one class, at 12:40.
14. What were you doing at midnight last night: Reading, then I was talking to a friend for a few hours.
15. Name something you CANNOT wait for: Summertime. Can't wait for this school year to be over!
16. Last time you saw your father: Twenty minutes ago.
17. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life?: Um. Haha... a lot of things, actually. Mostly just wish I had the courage to take more chances.
18. What are you listening to right now: "Peace Beneath the City", Iron and Wine.
23. What's getting on your nerves right now?: My body is sore.
24. Most visited webpages: Facebook, probably. And DeviantArt.
2. Nicknames: MK, Dini, Dina.
5. Male or female or transgendered: Femme Fatale
6. Elementary?: I went to Lagunitas, in the Montessori program.
7. Middle School: Same.
8. High school: Two years at Drake, two years at Tamiscal.
10. Hair color: Dark, dark brown.
11. Long or short: It's getting pretty long again.
16. Height: 5'4"
17. Do you have a crush on someone?: Haha. I guess you could call it that. It's not very "crushing" though... I don't think about it all the time or anything. I just know that I would marry him, haha.
18: What do you like about yourself?: Down to earth, laid back. Silly. Smart.
19. Piercings: Ears and nose. Getting more ear piercings soon, hopefully.
20. Tattoos: None yet. I'm getting a quote from Tolkien soon, and my siblings and I are getting memorial tattoos of my dad when he passes... so, hopefully that one won't be soon.
21. Righty or lefty: Righty, mostly. I can be left-legged sometimes, which is weird.


FIRSTS :
22. First surgery: No surgeries for me!
23. First piercing: Ears. I was 8, I think.
24. First best friends: Umm... Charles and Danielle, at the same time. Met them both the day I was born, and we're still like family.
26. First sport you joined: Gymnastics, when I was 4.
27. First pet: Either Misty, my rat, or Pluto, my fish. I can't remember which came first.
28. First vacation: Hawaii and Mexico, when I was 2. Haha, needless to say that I don't remember them.
29. First concert: My dad's concerts, basically since day 1.
30. First crush: Tyler! Wow, I haven't thought about that kid in a very long time.

RIGHT NOW
49. Eating: Nothing. I'm going to have lasagna soon.
50. Drinking: Nothing.
52. I'm about to: Eat dinner and read.
53. Listening to: Alright, third time this question has come up. Now it's "Trains", Porcupine Tree.
55. Waiting on: Sleep? Waiting on tomorrow's school day to be over. Oh, and for Valentine's Day to go away!

YOUR FUTURE :
58. Want kids?: Yes, I want three... I already answered this.
59. Get married?: Yes. Not having kids without a hubby.
60. Careers in mind?: Novelist and Editor.

WHICH IS BETTER :
68. Lips or eyes: Eyes, I think. Much more expressive.
69. Hugs or kisses: Definitely both!
70. Shorter or taller: TALLER.
71. Older or Younger: Older, for sure.
72. Romantic or spontaneous: Both, hopefully.
73. Nice stomach or nice arms: Umm... stomach? I don't know, I have a weakness for arms, too.
74. Sensitive or loud: Neither? I would prefer comfortable and confident.
75. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship, hands-down.
77. Trouble maker or hesitant: Neither. See answer to #74.

HAVE YOU EVER :
78. Kissed a stranger: Um, kind of? Haha, there is more to this story, it sounds skanky out of context.
79. Drank hard liquor: Yep.
80. Lost glasses/contacts: No, I don't need either.
81. Sex on first date: No thank you!
82. Broken someone's heart: I don't THINK so. But it's possible. He won't tell me.
83. Had your own heart broken: Once, yes.
85. Been arrested: No. I have been put in the back of a cop car, though! It was a curfew issue, no actual problem. Haha, he was really nice and said I could have a ride home.
86. Turned someone down: Yeah. I hate turning people down, I always feel so guilty! But if there's absolutely no connection, sometimes it's better just to be honest.
87. Cried when someone died: Yep. I cried at a funeral a few weeks ago. For the people close to me, it usually takes me a while to cry. I go into shock, I guess.
88. Liked a friend that is a girl?: Like... romantically? Haha, no.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
89. Yourself: I believe I am capable of anything. But sometimes I let fear stop me from applying myself.
90. Miracles: Um. I wouldn't call them miracles, but I believe in something like that, sure.
91. Love at first sight: Actually, I don't. I believe in infatuation at first sight, or attraction. Love takes trust and time.
92. Heaven: Nope.
93. Santa Clause: Haha. I wish. It would be nice to be that innocent again.
94. Hell: Nope.
95. Kiss on the first date?: Haha. Depends.
96. Angels: Nope. I believe in spirits though, and like... grace. I don't know how to explain that one. I just get this feeling sometimes that I am being protected by some sort of grace.
97. God: No.
98. Soul mates: Er... yes? I think there is more than one person out there who is perfect for you in every way. But I do believe the concept of a soul mate is possible.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
99. Is there one person you want to be with right now?: Yes, actually.
100. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time?: No way, not my style.

I'm starting to have some body issues, for the first time in like... maybe two years. It's really not enjoyable.

Now, I'm not trying to be ridiculous and say that I'm fat, because I certainly know that I'm not... but it's hard to look at myself sometimes and be happy with what I see. It's a direct brainwash from the media, I'm sure. I see exactly what I wish I had and sit around thinking about how much happier I would be if that were my body. It's sick. It's unhealthy.

But I have no idea how to fix it, really. So, I've decided to indulge myself in it (reasonably), and figure out some way to make myself feel better. I hate diets, so now I'm just changing mine. Like... instead of toast in the morning, I have a smoothie. Instead of like a burrito or chinese food in the afternoon, I have fresh juice and vegetables, etc etc. I'm also trying to drink 3 liters of water a day. I know this all sounds psycho, but these things aren't difficult changes for me to make, and if it adds to my happiness, then whatever. It's worth it, I guess. No more soda, no more candy... these are really just good life and health choices all around. I never really ate candy anyway, just chocolate from time to time. The only meat I like is turkey and chicken, so cutting out red meats isn't hard.

Ugh. I really do hate this, honestly. I HATE not liking the image I see in the mirror. But I'm so sick of hating myself. It's so irrational. I should feel happy to be alive, not disgusted by the slightest imperfections.

Anyway... just an update, haha. A sad and twisted little update.

Last night I couldn't sleep. I'm not sure why, because I've been fairly content with my life as of late; but suddenly I found myself sitting up in bed at four in the morning, wide-awake and completely restless. I pulled on a sweatshirt and crawled up the side of the house outside my window to sit on the roof and watch the stars flicker in the impossible distance. It was freezing, but I felt safe. There are so many stars here... I always forget how many we can see, living in this crevice between the mountains.

I've always felt a connection with the moon. Of course, we all have a connection with the moon, as it literally is holding our lives in place, but I just find it... hypnotizing. It draws me in. Full moons make me restless, especially when it shines brightly and illuminates the midnight landscape. I can't help but watch it make it's slow path through the sky and hope that it might shine on me for an instant, or let me peer into it's secret depths. Have you ever heard the children's story of Grandfather Moon? It's about an old man who lives in a cabin deep in the woods, and he has the gigantic treasure chest of pearls. Each night, he picks a pearl from the chest, walks to the seashore, holds the pearl out in his hand and watches as it slowly grows and ascends into the sky to form the moon. I always loved that story when I was little. It made me think that there was this secret connection between the earth and the sun and the moon and we creatures who are fortunate enough to inhabit this planet. So, thinking of the special connection last night, I closed my eyes and focused on my senses: the cold air on my cheeks, the wind rustling through the trees, the smell of firewood and that frigid, sweet scent of dew drops. And for a moment I just felt... right. It felt like I had matched the pieces to a puzzle. It felt as though I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

I don't know why that moment warrants a post, really... I just think that moments like that don't come so often, and that I should cherish that feeling. I think there might be a deeper meaning to the way things work, and--and I know this is going to sound silly and cheesy--that we are all a part of this bigger picture that none of us see. It's like this undercurrent of electricity that binds us all, because we are all truly connected through the fact that we exist. I think there is something more to this life... a meaning that I've been missing, but that I can find simply by honing by senses and paying attention to the things around me. Every moment is an impossible miracle. Being alive is... so unfathomable; but it's real, and that reality is the most beautiful thing that could possible ever exist. I realized, laying on that rooftop and trying desperately to tap into some ancient, primal instinct that lies dormant within me, that I must appreciate these days that I am alive more than I do. What is life? What is existence? I don't know... but I'm living it now, and all I know is that I have to make the most of this body and soul. I have to become one with the earth and with myself and my surroundings, and then, maybe, I'll finally begin to understand what it means to truly live.

Sorry about the crazy ramble... I'm just now starting to uncover this idea and vocalize it, and it hasn't really manifested itself in anyway that I can sensibly convey yet. I'll try to get this feeling across more when I am not so tired. I think it might actually be really important.

"My heart, tho' widow'd, may not rest
Quite in the love of what is gone,
But seeks to beat in time with one
That warms another living breast."

-- Tennyson, "In Memoriam"

It's strange, but the past few days have been almost perfect in temperature. It's like spring come way, way too early. It's completely beautiful and warm, but it scares me because I'm afraid the plants are going to get confused and begin blooming prematurely. It still freezes at night, so they'll just be killed and ruin the real spring harvest. Hmm... well, at least I'm not any sort of agriculturalist; though I still feel badly about the situation the farmers may be put in because of this damn global warming.

On a completely separate note, Inauguration Day is almost upon us!!! I can't believe it's really happening. I mean... those mother fuckers that have driven our nation's health into the ground for eight years are seriously almost gone. As in stripped of power. As in never coming back. Ever. Ugh, that knowledge feels so damn good. I really like Obama... he's a human being as much as he is a politician, and it's nice to know that there will be some warm blood running in the veins of our President for a change. He's what we need right now. Even if he never really changes things during his term, I think this step is a crucial one for our country to take. I've hated America for a very long time, for a very large list of reasons. I never thought I would actually be proud to call myself an American, ever. You go to any other country and you tell them that you're an American, and they will treat you like absolute dirt... could you have ever imagined that those countries would be cheering with us at our choice of President? I never thought it would happen. I think every country in the world was proud--or, at least, relieved--that we made such a choice. It just makes me feel something... powerful. Like there really might be a chance for change. There really might be a reason to feel hopeful still. The night is always darkest before the dawn, right?

On another completely separate note, I start my next semester of school on that very same tuesday. I'm only taking four classes--English 151, Creative Writing, History of European Art, and Intro. to Astronomy-- but I'm realllyyyyyyy excited! I'm so tired of just milling about the house and doing mundane tasks... I'm excited to start trying to improve my writing in earnest. I've kind of put my book on hiatus right now, because I'm being very hopeful that my Creative Writing class will greatly change the way I look at my writing... or something. I just want to improve in some way. In 4 years of high school english classes, I grew and changed as a writer on my own... but I literally did not learn anything from the classes themselves. Last semester's English 150 was so boring it was insane--though, in all fairness, it was much more of a political issues class than it was originally intended to be, and politics just take everyone around in circles so I usually find the discussions tiresome instead of interesting-- and I really had high hopes that college classes were going to be different. SO, I am placing my faith one last time on this Creative Writing class. If I don't find it helpful, I'm just going to give up and start writing without hesitation, placing my faith instead on the writing abilities I already have. I JUST WANT TO IMPROVE!! Is that so much to ask? I want to be guided and taught, not just encouraged and praised. I know there is always room to grow. Maybe I will learn all I can from reading the greats. Maybe that's the only way I can seriously improve. Anyway, I have high hopes for this semester, and I'm glad it's going to start soon.

Well, I have successfully ranted! I have to go fix dinner for my dad, but I will update again soon :) Once school starts, I will probably have a lot more to say. As of right now, I am happy and at peace... it's a nice feeling, and I hope it continues. My brother also is going to come home from India soon! Two more weeks and he gets to return :) I miss him... I hate having a piece of my heart so far from home. Until next time... <3

Stolen from Mary, of course :)


01. I've come to realize that my butt: is unfortunately petite!

02. I've come to realize that when I talk: and people listen, I learn more about myself and find the courage to open up.

03. I've come to realize that if I love someone: they probably really suck. Haha.

04. I've come to realize that I need: confidence and courage.

05. I've come to realize that I've lost: my will to have mindless fun.

06. I've come to realize that I hate it when: people brush me aside because of my age.

07. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk: I let go and stop thinking about my problems.

08. I've come to realize that money: has ruined a lot of lives.

09. I've come to realize that my mother: is the strongest person I've ever known.

10. I've come to realize that I'll probably always be: completely crazy and bookish.

11. I've come to realize that I have a crush on: a beautiful, unattainable neighbor-man.

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone: is wayyy too much of a vice.

14. I've come to realize that when I wake up in the morning: I still feel exhausted at the concept of facing life.

15. I've come to realize that before I go to sleep at night: I make wishes and focus all my thoughts on positive things.

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about: my mother, and trying to make life a little better for her.

17. I've come to realize that babies: make me feel something weird and ancient; that scary maternal instinct that makes me want to shelter and love them.

18. I've come to realize that when I get on livejournal: I say the things that I'm sometimes scared to really think about.

19. I've come to realize that today I will: (I have) worked all day and played way too many video games with my best guy friends all night.

20. I've come to realize that tonight I will: finish this meme, grab a book, and fall asleep.

21. I've come to realize that tomorrow I will: do more of the same. I'm going to try to force myself to actually want to get out of bed.

22. I've come to realize that I really want to: know how some of my story ends... just so I'm not scared of the unknown and longer. But then... I guess I don't. I don't know.

23. I've come to realize that who is most likely to repost this is: probably no one.

24. I've come to realize relationships: are beautiful and impossible all the same time.

25. I've come to realize love: is so frightening... and it really helps you understand who you are.

26. I've come to realize my best guy friend: is silly and crazy and amazing.

27. I've come to realize my best girl friend: is the most understanding, sincere, and considerate person.

28. I've come to realize food: is wonderful, but that I need to stop stuffing my face so much.

29. I've come to realize that when I'm a boyfriend: ... I will have had a sex change?

30. I've come to realize girls and boys: really only want to be together. Everything else in life is just... filler.

31. I've come to realize over the summer: I will be going on a road trip with the girls, hopefully!

32. I've come to realize heartbreak: changes everything within you, and that you never know what you're going to come away with when it happens.