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Law and Order
Okay, I'm going to skim over my emotions on the topic of my father for right now, because I don't feel like addressing them. Instead, this is more of an update on my future. Death causes A LOT of introspection and self-reflection; I've been analyzing myself and my life for the past two weeks almost non-stop, and I want to write down what I've come up with. If nothing else, it will be good for me to look back at this if or when I forget myself again.
First off, I've decided to kick men for the time being. I'm in no way feeling romantic at the moment, and I'm starting to realize that I've developed this horrible pattern of finding guys attractive, accidentally making them fall for me without ever engaging in an actual relationship of any kind (physical or emotional), and then losing interest because they get so weird and obsessive very prematurely. And I hate girls like that. I don't want to be that girl. I don't MEAN to be that girl, in all fairness... it just keeps happening that way, and it's finally made me see that I probably won't find any meaningful, lasting relationships here at this time in my life. The frustrating thing about being so young is that I would like to meet "the one", but I know that if I meet him right now we'll probably end up breaking up because I have so many effing goals I want to accomplish before I settle down. Unless he has the same goals, then it could work.
In any case, men are going to the wayside for now. In place of them comes my studies. I've decided that the best way to deal with my... fragile emotional state, if you will, is to just focus on my goals: finishing my book, consuming mass amounts of information about my interests, accumulating a larger art portfolio, and getting into Oxford. As long as I keep busy, I think I'll be okay. And I have the most supportive family in the world. And my book is actually going really well, which I never, ever thought I would say. I just want to focus on myself for once. It's been years since my life has actually been entirely about me. Now that it is (despite the fact that I don't want it to be), I think I should let myself indulge in improving myself and making sure I finally, finally begin to feel happy with who I am and where my road is headed.
Anyway, these are just some small goals, nothing overly daunting. But I'm planning on changing my life around this year quite a bit, and I'm hoping that it goes well. I have no idea. Life without my dad is just going to be... too different to even consider. Everything is so different for all of us. Anyway, I need to start thinking about who I'm going to be in ten years... where I'm going to end up, what I want to have accomplished by then. Even if I throw the whole plan away 6 months from now, I just want to get one started so I have something to follow when I start to feel confused about everything. In order to keep going right now, I can't just be left to my own devices. I've never been a particularly ordered person, but I guess there's a first time for everything, right?
First off, I've decided to kick men for the time being. I'm in no way feeling romantic at the moment, and I'm starting to realize that I've developed this horrible pattern of finding guys attractive, accidentally making them fall for me without ever engaging in an actual relationship of any kind (physical or emotional), and then losing interest because they get so weird and obsessive very prematurely. And I hate girls like that. I don't want to be that girl. I don't MEAN to be that girl, in all fairness... it just keeps happening that way, and it's finally made me see that I probably won't find any meaningful, lasting relationships here at this time in my life. The frustrating thing about being so young is that I would like to meet "the one", but I know that if I meet him right now we'll probably end up breaking up because I have so many effing goals I want to accomplish before I settle down. Unless he has the same goals, then it could work.
In any case, men are going to the wayside for now. In place of them comes my studies. I've decided that the best way to deal with my... fragile emotional state, if you will, is to just focus on my goals: finishing my book, consuming mass amounts of information about my interests, accumulating a larger art portfolio, and getting into Oxford. As long as I keep busy, I think I'll be okay. And I have the most supportive family in the world. And my book is actually going really well, which I never, ever thought I would say. I just want to focus on myself for once. It's been years since my life has actually been entirely about me. Now that it is (despite the fact that I don't want it to be), I think I should let myself indulge in improving myself and making sure I finally, finally begin to feel happy with who I am and where my road is headed.
Anyway, these are just some small goals, nothing overly daunting. But I'm planning on changing my life around this year quite a bit, and I'm hoping that it goes well. I have no idea. Life without my dad is just going to be... too different to even consider. Everything is so different for all of us. Anyway, I need to start thinking about who I'm going to be in ten years... where I'm going to end up, what I want to have accomplished by then. Even if I throw the whole plan away 6 months from now, I just want to get one started so I have something to follow when I start to feel confused about everything. In order to keep going right now, I can't just be left to my own devices. I've never been a particularly ordered person, but I guess there's a first time for everything, right?